who you gonna call

Ozone destroyers and asthma producers,

A shocking piece of information was given to me the other day. After years of being afflicted with the shortness of breath, asthma, I found out that this was caused by none other than you, John Q. Leafburner. In fact I remember in my younger years, when I would sit around and eat sugary snacks, not doing much of anything active, that whenever I went out for those few days in the fall I would place myself in front of a burning pile of leaves breathing in the wonderful smokey aroma. After visiting my doctor the other day, John Q. Makaqukbuk, he suggested that this asthma I am suffering from now is from the times I would stick my head in the thick dense cloud of smoke emanating from the burning leaves. The doctor said that this smoke was full of harmful pollutants that not only caused my asthma, but is also causing the ozone layer to become depleted. He made sure to note that this asthma was not caused by a hereditary condition or the years of sitting on a chair inside my house eating chips and drinking soda, the factories billowing out smoke, or my 6 pack a day habit. Upon hearing this startling news I discovered my new purpose in life, banning the practice of leaf burning. I will not stop until every city, town, and community stops this awful habit.

Coughing up a lung,
Black Pete

New Year Blues

So within the next couple of days a new year will come upon us and the old year will be forgotten. This is the time of year that people look at their lives and decide that some things in their life need changing. The adjustments are usually brought upon by the mass quantities of alcohol those winos drink, but their hearts are in the right place. So this year I place myself in the shoes of the drunk reveler shouting out his new year resolution. This coming year I will buy 1 dozen doughnuts, 2 oranges, a t-bone,..whoops it seems I am reading my grocery list. I guess I misplaced my dumb resolution list. Oh well. Have a good new year, even though it will suck as bad as last year.
-dan